When you hear the phrase “clubbing baby seals,” don’t think of bloodthirsty Canadian hunters. Think of limpid-eyed mammals with gelled hair and a penchant for techno. If you prefer your baby seals alive and kickin’ it Gangnam style, read on as PETA presents the top five reasons why it’s better to go clubbing with seals than it is to club seals:
- A harp seal might help you get you a Harp Irish Lager faster: Seals have sensitive whiskers that help them find food in murky waters, so they should have an edge at finding the only open spot around a crowded bar.
- Talk about a great wingman: Guys, if you think that the dog park is the premier spot to meet girls, imagine the reaction you’d get if you sauntered into a party with an adorable baby seal on your arm. The ladies would be melting faster than the polar ice caps.
- Or a great wingwoman: Female seals are used to males competing for their attention. So if a blathering windbag at the bar is trying to monopolize your time, a seal can swoop in and steer you toward the cutie on the dance floor.
- Bustin’ moves, not chops: Seals have superb hearing, so they can easily detect a fresh new beat. But that hunter who’s always trying to spot someone fresh to beat up on? You’ll notice he’s standing by himself.
- They can pull an all-nighter: If everybody needs to crash at your house after a late night, a seal will gladly sleep on the couch and let you have the bed, as evidenced by the seal pup who curled up on a woman’s couch for some shut-eye. Letting a seal pass out on your couch makes you an Internet sensation. Making a seal pass out from blood loss just makes you a jerk.
Unfortunately, seals aren’t likely to accept an invitation that includes the word “club” until that other type of seal clubbing ends. E-mail Canada’s political leaders and urge them to support the proposed bill to end the seal slaughter. Then go polish your vegan dancing
Image courtesy of Flickr’s The Commons.